By the time my 40th rolled around, I hadn’t really celebrated a birthday in almost a decade. Parenting three kids, one with multiple disabilities, left little room for my own celebrations. But 40?! I knew I wanted to go all out.

I wasn’t ready to travel and leave the kids behind. I knew I wanted to celebrate with friends from different areas of my life: Friends from high school, college, local mom friends and friends from past jobs, especially since many of my get-togethers had become so few and far between. After tossing around a few options, my husband suggested an 80s-themed murder mystery party. My heart beat faster at the thought of throwing an 80s themed-bash and, the more my wheels spun, the more I got excited in a way I hadn’t felt in months. Plus, it was reasonably priced, it was low-key, and it was an easy way for a bunch of 30 or 40-somethings to mingle and have fun without having to generate small talk.

My husband ordered instructions online from a company that specializes in murder mystery parties. (Other options include “Mullets, Mayhem and Murder” and the circus-themed “The Greatest Murder on Earth.”) You take their directions and then stage your own event, assigning attendees a character to portray all night.

We spent a couple of months planning whenever we had “down time,” whatever that is for people with three young kids. The planning itself ended up being kind of a gift; it was a fun distraction from my everyday caregiving and something to look forward to. My husband was in charge, so he knew who the murderer was but I didn’t.

My character was Polly Abdool, and I had a blast shopping for just the right costume. I found wide-legged black pants and paired them with a silky black camisole, a denim jacket, gold chains, big hoop earrings and red lipstick. My husband was Dave Bouie. He ordered a blonde wig, rose colored glasses and wore a black button-down, jeans, and black shoes.

It was so fun to see what everyone else wore when they arrived. From teased hair to side ponytails to wigwam socks, denim jackets and neon bracelets, my friends really went all out. One friend even found her old plastic charm necklace from the 80s. I hadn’t seen one of those in years.

Here are a few other things that pulled the party together:

• As soon as the guests arrived, we had them pose in front of an 80s themed backdrop with photo booth props so they immediately got in the mood. It was also a great way to document everyone who attended.
• An 80s themed party isn’t complete without an assortment of “vintage” snacks and candy. We had a buffet of Twinkies and Hostess Cupcakes, Yodels, Drakes Hostess Fruit Pies, Pixie Stix, Push Pops, Nerds, Hubba Bubba gum, Pop Rocks, and goodie bags so people could take an assortment of snacks home with them.
• My husband and I found our old toys like He-Man action figures and Mario plushies which we placed strategically around the house to add to the ambiance. We also put out a Snoopy SNO-cone machine, Baby-sitters Club books and games like classic Clue and Simon. We compiled a playlist of our favorite 80s music including Debbie Gibson, Madonna and Cyndi Lauper and put out my old Nintendo with an assortment of games for people to play including Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt.
• I let my kids dress up and greet the guests before a babysitter took them upstairs for the rest of the night. I found my old leg warmers and gave them to my nine-year-old daughter to wear with a gymnastics leotard before pulling her hair back in a side ponytail. My middle son posed as a DJ with a fake turntable on his wheelchair tray and headphones on his ears and my youngest son wore a red hoodie and walked around holding an ET doll.

The event was well-received, even by friends who are shy. I’m an introvert, and I never would have wanted to do this before kids. But I was feeling isolated as a mom, constantly tending to the needs of others, and I wanted to do something new and different, while still maintaining control at home. Many of the guests were also knee-deep in raising their families and said they hadn’t been to a costume party in years. So having designated roles and instructions for who to talk to and when made the evening flow.

As the party went on, everyone loosened up, got silly and reminisced about their own childhoods. And at the end of the night, we all gathered in my living room for the big reveal. I won’t give it away, but singing was involved. It was fun to joke around and laugh when life can be way too serious. And it made a milestone my birthday fun and memorable at a time in my life when I often put others first.

Jaclyn Greenberg is a former tax accountant who became a freelance writer when her son was born with multiple disabilities. Jaclyn now writes about parenting, accessibility and inclusion and has written for The New York Times, CNN, Wired, Huffpost, Parents, Good Housekeeping, Fodor’s and other places. She’s working on a memoir about sticking together as a family of five. LinkedIn, Instagram, X, Website.